I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
