i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Randomize
