Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
