No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
