Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
