I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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