I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
