saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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