they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Randomize
