he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
