Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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