If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Even my vagina gasped.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
