John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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