Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
