I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
