hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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