You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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