I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize
