apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
if i died would you start the facebook group?
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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