i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Randomize
