I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
