Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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