how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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