I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
