so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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