I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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