im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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