Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
