i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
my being single is dangerous.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
