Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
