I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
