There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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