you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
porn star boner night. come get it.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
