i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
