apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
