if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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