hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
