I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
