Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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