Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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