I faked an abortion last night.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Randomize
