just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
