What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Randomize
