I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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