I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
