so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
