Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
