I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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