Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
