There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
